Searching for the next thing

Exploring the excitement (or overwhelm) of what to do in your life

Life feels so exciting sometimes. Like I could go down any path or do anything… I could write a book, poetry, articles, I could learn to act (could I?), or be a comedian. When I say I could be these things, I don’t mean that I expect to be so talented that any of it could drop into my lap, but that I could choose to work towards these if I decided that was what I wanted to do.

At one point after watching Daisy Jones and the Six, I was convinced I was going to learn guitar and piano to a high level, join a band and get famous. I got a bit stuck on the logistics, as I can’t concentrate long enough to do more than about 20 minutes practice a day. Plus, I’m not going inside places without a mask so wasn’t sure how sell out shows were gunna work. Honestly have gone through this in my head - am I okay?

Even though that fantasy has passed, having the confidence to even allow myself to imagine these sorts of things is unbelievable to me. The fact I know now that I could sit down and write a song if I wanted to, and even allow myself to think that would be possible (even if it was shit), is so far from my former self who would have thought it was a completely ridiculous prospect. (“I CAN’T possibly dance/sing/write” )

I am currently considering whether a job would be possible for me or not, so looking at flexible part time work that would not be too demanding and allow rest in between hours. Last year when I got COVID I was preparing to finish my Global Public Health MSc and start applying to jobs in campaigning, and for organisations related to social justice (ideally). Obviously that got derailed and I am still looking for jobs in these sectors but also considering the fact that working for someone may prove difficult, especially if I have set hours and an employer with little compassion or understanding of my situation. Ideally, freelance work would be fab, and I am looking into this too. But it feels impossible to start, like how do you just get somewhere from nothing. I have joined a copywriting community Word Tonic which I am excited about and will just need to approach it one step at a time. Including by continuing to update this blog.

One of my problems is there is just toooo many exciting options around, and because I am not particularly talented at one or the other it feels like I could start anywhere, which results in me starting nowhere. (To some extent this isn’t true because I am currently WRITING a blog post, and have continuously done bits of writing for the past couple of years). Sometimes the excitement tips over into overwhelm; so many options, so little energy to do any of them or spend time thinking about them. So, I end up curled in bed crying thinking about the future and the uncertainty of it all.

In the midst of all these thoughts, I saw an Oscar Wilde quote that @oenone posted on her Instagram (see screenshot below) and I love it. “We are not nouns, we are verbs”. When I was a dental student/dentist, I HATED having to answer the question of ‘What do you do?’ for multiple reasons, but one was definitely how it made me feel pigeon holed into being this person defined by a job I didn’t even like. It is capitalism which makes us and others place our worth on the role we get paid for and it shows up in how we always ask “What do you do for work?” as our first question for people. Of course we are going to talk about the thing that we spend most of our hours doing, but we are all so much more than just that.

I am not a one thing, and never have been. I always was a ‘person who does things’ and never knew what I was going to do next. I hope this will continue to be the case for the rest of my life, if I am lucky enough.

p.s shoutout to Alice for coming up with the new name for the newsletter for me x